Resist, Unlearn, Defy

I’ve finally come out of my spiral down depression hell.  I climbed out kicking and screaming with Connor’s help, but I did it.  I’m now in a good place again.  I’m leaving the house finally.  I’m excited to go do things.  I went to the SPCA and took pictures of the animals for the first time in months.  I’m going to see my friends tonight for book club and instead of dreading it, I’m actually really excited to see everyone.  This was a hard fought battle, but one I believe we all can do.  I go to NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) meetings every Monday and actually applied to be a facilitator (leader of the group).  I’ve been working with my mentor in photography to get her studio set up and I’m having a blast.  A few weekends ago, there was a Rally Against Addiction and I was the photographer.  When I sent the pictures to the organizer, she was thrilled with them and said that “I captured the spirit of the event,” which is exactly what I was trying to do.  I took over 800 pictures and had to whittle them down to about 150.  THAT was hard to do.

This week is also my 1 year anniversary of my car wreck and going into the psych ward.  I ran off the road on September 19th and had my friend check me into the ward on the 20th.  Today last year would be the day I got out.  I’ve grown in so many ways in this one year it’s astounding.  Even with my recent decent into the precipice, I’m still equipped with so many tools that I’m able to get help.  I knew once I actually started to PLAN a way to commit suicide that something was very wrong and I needed to enact my “safety plan” which we do upon leaving the psych ward and upon leaving the intensive outpatient therapy.  I’m so glad I had it in place.  I don’t know what I’d have done a year ago without this.  Well, actually I do.  I’d have run off the road like I did.

This part will be mushy.  I need to thank all the people that have gotten me through this year and helped me grow so much.  To my support group, I can’t thank you enough for understanding what I’m going through and being able to let me know I’m not alone.  My family, you’ve stood by me from day one and I’m so grateful that you still accept me as I am and don’t treat me with kid gloves on.  Connor has been a rock and pushed me to get better in so many ways.  Even when I hated him for it.  He did it for my own good and I hate to admit he was right (I never will admit to saying that).  My friends and tribe for reading my blogs and coming over to my house on a lonely day and water color painting just so I know I’m loved.  To Emmaline, who I can’t even say enough about.  I don’t know what I’d do without you and Melissa.  Melissa, thank you for being so supportive and empathetic and also just taking my moods and self-isolation in stride.

Now that I’ve done the mushy stuff, on to what I’m doing now.  On my affirmation chalkboard, I currently have written “Resist, Unlearn, Defy.”  This is (of course) from an Incubus song, but I thought it was fitting.  I have to learn to resist what my brain tells me in depression and anxiety.  I have to unlearn the bad thoughts I’ve had for so long.  And I have to defy my direct impulsivity and other bad behaviors that come with bipolar.  Keep going.  You are enough.  Resist, unlearn, defy.  Just keep swimming, you are stronger than you know.  And so am I (I think)

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