Working, anxiety and impulsiveness

It’s been three weeks since I’ve been back to work.  I won’t lie and say they were good or easy or even fun.  Work is work, no matter how much you adore your coworkers.  And I do adore my coworkers.  It was so nice to see them all again and give all the women big hugs.  I got to connect with my second family again (I have some really close friends there).  It also presented challenges.  What do I say when people ask what happened or where I’ve been for half a year?  How do I handle the “how are you” look with the cocked to the side head?  Are people really looking at me with wide eyes, waiting for me to blow up?  Can I do this job again?  Will it “trigger” me into another episode?  How will this all work with keeping up my housework and such to the level I was able to when I wasn’t working?

The first week, I was very excited to go to work.  I’d wake up earlier than I had to and do full hair and makeup along with actually wearing my new contacts.  I’d smile and chat and be happy to everyone.  Then I slowed down.  The second week was just “meh” and I was chugging along, re-learning all I needed to know.  The third week fell down a deep cave with no sunlight.  There was no more hair or makeup being done.  I was happy if I showered.  I showed up on time or early, but I wasn’t as thrilled to be there.  I retreated back into my “lush and atmospheric folk” Spotify playlist and tuned out from anyone and everyone.  Today I’m barely hanging in there.  I’m here, I did a lot of work, but I can’t flip my funk around.

At home, things have been less than blissful as well.  Not bad really, but right before I went back to work, Connor and I WERE blissful.  I was giggling and laughing and playing.  We’d goof off and tease each other relentlessly.  I didn’t need to have time away for myself, I was too busy every single day, but alone while busy.  I got to go meet with my knitting buddies whenever I wanted.  I could go to doctor’s appointments and not worry about getting off work.  I could meet people for lunch if I wanted.  I was free and happy to be so.  Now that’s gone.

This will not be bad in the long run.  I need this.  It’s just going to be an adjustment, and one that has sort of thrown me for a bad loop.  My anxiety is on fire, my impulsive talking and interrupting people as well as (eesh, one night) drinking has taken a hit.  My coffee intake has skyrocketed.  Sleep has been worse than it has been in a while.  The rest of my impulsivity is also full force.  THANKFULLY I haven’t done the impulsive nighttime shopping, my therapist helped me think of ways to overcome and force myself away from my debit card.  What would we do without therapists?

Does anyone have any tips for overcoming such a huge lifestyle change after not having worked for almost 6 months?  How do I get my mind back in gear and be happy again?

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