I go back to work on Monday. This will be the first day working in 5 months. I can’t believe it’s been that long. I think because I’ve been so worried about it in the past month, I’ve not done much productive like I did the first 4 months of leave. I haven’t done big projects like I had been doing. I haven’t been writing like I was, even though it’s been bubbling to come out. I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad to see the people at work. It will be nice to have structure to my days again. I’m glad to feel of use again. But man I’ll miss being home and being able to have the freedom to do little things like knitting group during the day. I have no ability to go to physical therapy twice a week anymore. I can’t take care of my house like I have been. Or, I can, but I’ll go crazy again being manic and trying to fit everything in my day. I don’t know how “normal” people do it all.
Well, I wanted this to be a beautiful post with flowering language and something that people want to read. It has instead turned into a “train of thoughts” post. How will I focus on writing when I will not have energy to do anything anymore? My poor book is still stuck at 25 pages. I can’t get myself to do it. And that breaks my heart. I had 5 months that I could have spent writing my book and I blew it. Granted, I blew it on an average of 10 hours of therapy and 4 hours of physical therapy and countless other doctor’s visits. But I didn’t spend down time writing, I blew it in myriad other ways.
I will miss this time alone. I will yearn to be home with my dogs all day. I will miss cuddling with them in the morning between 7:00 and 9:30 when I get up. I will miss time to crochet and go to groups. I will long for time to spend imagining my hairbrained ideas and not following through with them. My desire for work overrides these things, but it’s amazing how comfortable it is being home. I never thought I’d like the lack of structure. I’d always imagined I’d be bored and not productive or want to ever do anything.
I feel like I won’t have a place in my team anymore. They’ve had so much time to bond and work without me, what will I do there now? They don’t need my work now, they’ve gone so long without it. They’ve likely taught themselves everything that I previously brought to the table. I will have been replaced. And that’s what they should have done. But now I’m coming back, I have to carve out my place again. And that’s utterly terrifying.