I think, in my very small experience after my diagnosis, the most annoying thing I’m dealing with is questioning. Do I really have this? Am I exaggerating my symptoms and just can’t cope? Am I looking for attention? Is this all just for drama and excitement? Why aren’t the medicines working? I’m sleeping for 15 hours and then 3. I’m up and down and all over the place. I can’t focus on anything for more than 4 minutes at a time. On one hand, I think, “maybe going into mania isn’t bad? At least then I’m productive and things get done around the house as opposed to sleeping for days on end.” Then I turn and think, “wait you idiot. Mania is what got you in the damn hospital. You can’t BREATHE when manic, even if it’s just hypomanic. You’re miserable. You are jittery and antsy and spend money and cause fights with Connor and are just a general pain in the ass.” I don’t want mania. But I am so back and forth. The one calmness in my brain comes during my group therapy. I am SO GLAD I decided to follow my psychiatrist’s suggestion to join. I immediately bonded to the people in there. There’s nothing quite like the non-judgmentalness of those in therapy together. They GET you and your symptoms and don’t care that you’re going nutso inside your head. They care, they ask questions and genuinely push you to be better and give good advice.
Wow, even reading that paragraph I can see my head bouncing all over. I wonder if that’s the anxiety? The medication? The bipolar? It’s so hard to know what will trigger something, and I’m terrified of going down into deep depression again. It’s so terrifying to be in absolute ennui. To battle yourself every single day. To have to plan 20 minutes at a time, just to get out of bed. “okay, I’m sitting up. Step one. Okay, I have 10 minutes and I have to stand and go let the dogs out,” (I swear sometimes they’re the only reason I get out of bed). “Okay, you’re up and in the kitchen, good. Maybe feed yourself something other than cookies. Shit, don’t tell yourself you’re a cow again. You may have gained back the 30 lbs, but you’re fine. Quit.” ON and on and on.
I’m trying to do the bullet journal, the online journaling, writing my book, coloring, breathing, ice packs, mood tracking, gratefulness tracker, meal planning for a week. All of the things. And I’m still out here flailing around. Does that ever stop?